I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
