Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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