if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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