If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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