My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
