I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
