Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
