I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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