I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
