Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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