You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
