I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
