guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
