help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
