I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
50% drunk capacity currently
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
