Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
What drink are we having for lunch?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
