I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize