i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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