My cat gives me a boner
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize