Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
