I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
