your thong is hanging out like whoa
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
