I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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