just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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