My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
