My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize