There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Randomize
