Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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