I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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