we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
