I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
