wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
