I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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