I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
