I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Randomize