If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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