dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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