That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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