we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
