I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize