There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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