People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize