There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
