i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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