i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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