Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
