he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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