Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize