Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
