She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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