Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize