What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
