Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize