I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
