We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
