Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
