M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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