I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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