You smell like a Billy Joel song
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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