I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
