New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
